The glass is half empty

Mentally, this week has been pretty challenging.

Bryan is out of town, in West Virginia, starting the beginning of football season at a college level. This is the pattern we will have from now on - as long as he is blessed with making connections and getting higher in the football rankings.

I spent much of the day stressed to the point of exhaustion. I do believe that each of my children tried their best to push me over the edge.

Today is Wade's birthday. He is two and I was sad for him because this is the last birthday he'll have as 'the baby' in the family.

Tomorrow is a small, family party for him - couldn't today with Bryan out of town.

I have done ZERO planning. I almost forgot to order the cake, but at least I did that.

Karen dropped off ALL of the maternity clothes that I had parted with two years ago - it was four garbage bags full.

Two years ago, thinking I was OVER being pregnant, I gave her the entire wardrobe for a friend of hers, saving only a small box of my favorites stuff, just in case.

Well, just in case is here and I don't know if I have the energy to go through all the clothes.

One of my friends from work, Heather, gave me a big bag of her maternity clothes and I still haven't taken them out of the bag.

Why did I accept ALL these clothes - I don't want to let the chance go by without remembering the clothes I wore during my other pregnancies. I was elated to be pregnant while wearing those clothes... I'm hoping for the same effect.

So now, I have 6 bags of clothes to got through and I just stare at them.

I want to put on my old jeans - not look like a house for the next 8 months. (plus).

I have to admit that a VERY small piece of me is understanding that this little miracle, growing inside me, is truly meant to be here.

I have to admit that a VERY small piece of me takes comfort knowing that after this pregancy is over - we are done and our family is complete.

But who, by today's standards, has 4 children? Not too many, I'll tell ya.

Karen and Bill are the exception. She comes from a family of 6 - she is lost without the crowd.

So what is my excuse? I don't know.

But I do know that today, at Burger King, I got my first look with raised eyebrows and the question - 'are they all yours?' - knowing full well that the question ACTUALLY meant - 'are you nuts to have one more?'.

It is my life - God wants this little one to come to us - I just hope that it comes with the strength to raise them all and not jump off a cliff.

Let's talk about names.

The subject of names has come up. I know, I know... we have months and months to think about it.

But Wade wasn't named until the very end of my last pregnancy - we just couldn't agree.

This time we are starting early.

I'm very picky about names...

For boys/girls - I don't really like trendy names. I have taken great strides to not name our children names that are super popular. Anything on the top ten lists (for the previous year) are out the window for me.

For girls - I'm not interested in any names that end in a long "e". Like Stacy, Tracy, Macy, Bailee, Wendy, Melanie. They are just not my taste.

For boys - I would prefer a name that doesn't have a strong 's' sound. With our last name, it would be just too many "s"'s.


For a boy, I brought up the name Janson. I love it. It just feels right.

I like the idea of calling him Jan for short, yet, it he wants he can go by Janson and it sounds nice.

I post (daily) to discussion boards and brought this subject up... there are many, many female names that men use. (Dana, Lee, Kim, Stacy to name a few).

Now, I just have to convince Bryan.

He has yet to veto it, but he usually reserves his own opinion until after we know the sex of the baby. It eliminates half of the discussion.

I got to see the baby... I cheated and went downstairs at work.

I just wanted to throw out a quick update.

I couldn't wait any longer and, yesterday at work, I snuck down to the Ultrasound dept. and begged the guy to do a look-see.

He did.

I told him he was going to tell me one of three things -

#1 - I was pregnant with twins.

#2 - I was pregnant with one, but further along than I thought.

#3 - I was pregnant with one and it is only 7 weeks (by my estimates) and my tummy is just fat.


He said it was #3.

I don't have a sono photo to show it off, but I got to see the little peanut with a flickering heartbeat.

Only one.

Thankfully.

So - it looks like this baby will be due May 2nd, which means a mid-April birth... two weeks early for a C-section.

Tummy's swollen - can't get to the doctors for weeks.

Yesterday was kind of crazy.

The elementary school's open house was last night and I had to attend alone - Bryan had a football game to referee.

So, knowing I had to go alone, I threw a pizza on the table and $20 to a teen-age babysitter and I was gone from 6:30 to 8:30p.

I came home to messy kitchen but clean kids - everyone eventually went to bed, just a little later than normal.

I think that this may be the future for me - only soon it will be with four kids!!!


It's funny - I've spent the last two years listening to everyone tell me how we'd be C-R-A-Z-Y to have one more, yet after announcing we are pregnant, the tone has changed to WHAT A BLESSING, YOU'LL BE FINE, QUIT FREAKING OUT.

I'll admit that I'm still freaked out, but I can no longer deny that something is growing inside me. My belly looks about 5 months pregnant.

Just worried that there is two in there... which would be bad.

At work, yesterday, I saw a portable US machine and was tempted to grab it and go into a closet and try to see for myself what's going on in there.

We need to think boy and think only one...

Fingers crossed.

Maybe, I'll grab that machine today.

Getting used to the idea - kind of.

Well, what can I say? Mentally, this has been a challenging week.

To announce that I'm overwhemed at the thought of having 4 children is an understatement; but what is done is done.

The fact it that if there is any home that can handle it - it is ours. It just feels like baby phase of our marriage is the only phase of our marriage.

But, I love Bryan and I know that man loves me. So we'll make it.

I had to break into the maternity clothes box. I'm embarrassed that I have to wear these so soon - my tummy looks 4 months along. What I get for not working out in my youth.

We all went out to dinner (Bryan, me and the 3 kids). I know that people we passed were doing double takes at the amount of kids in tow and my tummy sticking out from under a white maternity shirt.

I must say though, that the children were so well behaved and I was proud to be out with them. I'm hoping that the same will be true when this little one comes along - seating for 6 a any restaurant will be challenging.

Going on a week and the shock is still there.

I am just 6 weeks pregnant, I think, and am already wearing maternity clothes.

Why?

Well, there could be three reasons....

#1 - I'm off on my dates. Which is a good chance because, if my dates were accurate, I wouldn't be pregnant.

#2 - There's more than one in there. Which is just not even thinkable.

#3 - This is what happens when you are pregnant for the fourth time. Your body just knows what's coming and poofs out.

I am choosing to put my entire being into #3.

It is just embarassing that I walk around and people ask 'How far along are you?'.

I'm still figuring out how to answer that - right now, I just say that I'm not sure and leave it at that.




This week has been so crazy - but I'm most surprised at how supportive people are.

Once they get over the shock and asking me if I'm crazy, the conversation takes the tone of how children are blessings and how God had a different plan for us than to let us just have the three.

I can't possibly be expecting... again!!! 8/28/07

Or so I thought - but alas, it is so.

Looking back over the past two weeks, I'm surprised I didn't see the signs. You'd think I'd have the symptoms down by now.

Ever since we've been home from our 10 day vacation to St. Augustine, I have been disappointed that not one pair of pants - jeans or otherwise, can button at the waist.

I just couldn't believe that I stop going to the gym, for a month and eat a few cheeseburgers on vacation and my whole abdomen goes to pot. Well it did and I had made a mental note to self to get my a$$ back to the gym...

If only I didn't also feel run down and tired like I was getting ready to come down with the flu or something. I spent the past week waiting for myself to feel better and like I'd want to go walk on a treadmill.

Then, my boobs started to ache. Not a lot, just a little bit on the sides. I just associated it with the time for me to get my period and that I must be getting it any day now.

Then, my period never came.

First it is a day late... I didn't think anything of it. Then two days and three days... still didn't think anything of it.

Finally after 5 days, I was complaining to a close friend that I must be going through early menopause and she suggested I take a pregnancy test.

A what? I thought to myself. What a ridiculous idea - that I could be pregnant.

Didn't she understand that after 3 kids - I should know what being pregnant feels like?

Didn't she understand that my hubby and I have spent the past two years carefully counting the days of my cycle and that the last time we were together was on day #8?

Wasn't she aware that for my third pregnancy, I had gotten to know my cycle so well that I could tell you weeks in advance when I would be ovulating and that is ALWAYS happened on day 12-13 ?

It was just not possible that I conceived.

Besides that, I just made an appointment to see the ob/gyn to arrange a tubal ligation, in the upcoming months.

Finally, after 3 children, I was feeling like I was D-O-N-E with having babies. I have always been open to having one more, but had to face the fact that, in reality, we couldn't afford another one.

So, after getting off the phone, I drove over to the pharmacy and purchased a pregnancy test kit. Unlike previous times where I picked the most expensive one because I didn't want a cheap test to miss anything, I didn't care if the test was cheap. I wasn't wasting $$$ for a test to tell me that I'm not pregnant.

Getting home, I made a bee line into the bathroom, little Wade (23 months) in tow, following me every step. I sit down, trying to ignore his own pleas to use the toilet (which he doesn't do, he just likes to stand there pretending he is urinating); but I didn't have time for that now.

I quickly hold the stick in the middle of the stream, counting 1,2,3,... up to 8. The tests want you to leave it there for 5 seconds, but I wanted to get every last drop on the stick.

The thing turned positive in my hand!!!!!!!!!

I didn't get it right away. I wasn't sure if the thing needed one blue line or two blue lines to read a positive test - all the while praying that it needed two lines

.

So, leaving it on the counter, I quickly read the directions - only to see that it was only a single line.

Then, it started to register. My eyes switched back and forth between the stick and the directions, comparing the two. No matter how much I stared at it, it wasn't changing... it was positive.

After a good cry, which was consoled by my son, on the bathroom floor, I had to compose myself and come up with a good way of telling my husband that a fourth child is on the way.

This wasn't going to be easy or pretty.